How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She bit a glass in half.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
