Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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