My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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