I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
