Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
