Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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