Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
