I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
