it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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