I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
