He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
