i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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