I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So squirting runs in the family.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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