there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
