Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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