i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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