I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
