I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
