I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I wear drunk well.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
