Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize