I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
