There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
