i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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