Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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