Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
