the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize