The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The adults are the big ones right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
