i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
