I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
