The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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