honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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