And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
