dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
