There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
