No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
