I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
