im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
