What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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