I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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