Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize