So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
