Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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