I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
