After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
