Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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