That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize