Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
