I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
