I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
