I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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