Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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