Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
