Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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