Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
