He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
