Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
