fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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