Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
