I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
