When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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