Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
